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Been working on meditation in prajnaparamita- the perfect place or the middle ground. Pema Chodron wrote, "When we stand at the crossroads not knowing which way to go, we abide in prajnaparamita." Instantly, when I read this sentence, I knew what that felt like. I could feel the essential letting go of making a choice and simply being with the sensations of the moment of not-knowing.
But at the same time I could see the multitude of times in my life, my daily life, in which I choose too fast, without thought and without time spent in prajnaparamita. My young son asks me a question, or resists my requests for help and I push, without thought to tell him or urge him on. There is not a chance for absorption or integration of our states of being. We are seeing what is ahead instead of residing here, right now.
This gets in the way of my writing too. I lay in bed, insomnia, the pain of this fybromyalgia that I am figuring out and I think of how much there is to write, so much to say, endless words with which to express the boundless, numerous complexities of this life. Before I know it I am grasping at the thoughts, taking pride in the writing of words I have not even put to paper or screen. Then guilt for wanting to have pride in this expression. Finally, judgement for having judgement about the whole process. Can I not just reside? It is tiring, I know.
Yet then I let go and I am back to the stillness of the breath. I think I am not going crazy this time. But maybe next? Pema Chodron's teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche said that awakening warriors would find themselves in a constant state of anxiety. To know this is to know this. I understand when I read these words and remind myself that I am not the only one who has wanted to get up off the cushion and run screaming down the street.
This prajnaparamita is the most miniscule of high wires I am balanced on right now. Anyone care to join me and perhaps make it a bit wider?
September 19 2005, 14:48:20 UTC 6 years ago
I know exactly what you mean here as I suffer the same problems. I am not yet aware of how to exist outside of these feelings and still be productive in my writing. Finding that perfect balance seems to be difficult, but achievable....I think I'd better go have a cup of tea-not quite awake, and not sure if this made a bit of sense!!! :)
September 20 2005, 07:26:34 UTC 6 years ago
September 20 2005, 13:23:46 UTC 6 years ago
September 19 2005, 15:47:40 UTC 6 years ago
But I understand the meaning of being an awakening warrior nonetheless. It's hard to remain on that tight wire, but it does get better the longer you remain on it. Eventually, that wire will seem as wide as a garden path, and then a country road, and so on... Basically, because you begin to realize that when you step on the Middle Way, it's not so perilous as you think.
Very much an optical illusion put forth as a leap or walk of faith. That faith comes from proving to yourself first that what you're doing is the right thing and that you can do it.
September 19 2005, 16:19:38 UTC 6 years ago
September 20 2005, 07:29:15 UTC 6 years ago
September 19 2005, 16:29:09 UTC 6 years ago
In mindfulness communities, I read, a bell would be rung at unexpected times of the day. It was the mindfulness bell. When heard, members of the community were to immediately practise mindfulness of their present situation, of their mind and body. It was random, and over time, because practise makes perfect (hehe), it becomes a habit.
Not having a bell ringing monk handy, I painted a large kanji for 'mindfulness' on a canvas and hung it on a prominent wall of my flat. I saw it constantly when I was at home and tried to practise mindfulness every time I did.. Slowly the habit grew from this. I still have a long way to go, but it helped me significantly. A reminder like that can be a good thing.
I'm a number of years into this practise and still have so, so long to go yet before it's even a firm habit. I can't deal with a sangha due to post traumatic stress so I don't have that shared experience that reminds me that everyone else is having a difficult time on the cushion too. I have a time included in my meditations an awareness that at this very moment, there are many thousands of others meditating too, and many of them are struggling... As I wrote that I felt I had to do a little metta meditation towards all of them and that felt like it helped me a little, anticipating the struggles I will have when I'm sitting.
May all beings be free from mental and physical suffering.
September 19 2005, 16:31:49 UTC 6 years ago
...I have at times included in my meditations...
September 20 2005, 07:34:58 UTC 6 years ago
Thank you. I felt the metta of your meditation when I read your post.
May all beings be at ease.
September 20 2005, 12:10:10 UTC 6 years ago